They keep on asking me “How do you feel about it?” . Some out of genuine curiosity, but most of them just because these few words put together sound good and trendy and appropriate.
So how the hell am I supposed to feel about it?
I don’t know.
Sometimes I do feel like I’m about to lose my hope and suddenly I can’t breathe or think or move. I just sit there, wherever I am, waiting for that moment to go away. Waiting for my sort of normality and waiting for my heart to reboot.
Sometimes I fall into bouts of pure anger. That’s when I destroy relationships of all kind. That’s when I say without actually saying it “Fuck off, I don’t need you!”. That’s when I bite my lip till it bleeds and hang up the phone, hoping that it would ring back and some unknown voice would tell me “It’s OK. It’s OK. It’s OK. It’s OK. It’s OK”. That’s when I hate everybody. Not blaming anyone. Pure hate. For the smiles and compassion. They don’t help. Maybe it’d work without them looking at me.
But most of the times I feel like I HAVE to smile & wave. Almost passing out in hospitals while waiting for some fuckin’ good news does not solve the problem. Nor accepting what’s to be accepted; nor being frantic and spending the nights with doing research on the internet for some glorious case info.
I don’t know what being supportive really does mean and I don’t even think I’m supportive material. I don’t know how people react in such cases. But taking someone else’s bullshit for granted is not an option anymore. Sadly.
Meanwhile we live one day at a time and we re-learn the meaning of love.
